No rest for the weary- Victoria

[Catalyst Spark]

The past, why will it not remain buried? I've moved on, I've began my own life, though I deceive my own mother in doing so, she thinks I'm a simple mechanic, she doesn't know anything about my street racing. It's not about the money or the bragging rights, though the prizes do help keep food in the fridge, it's all about the rush, the thrill, the adrenaline, it helps me to forget, helps me to ease the pain of these old scars for just a little while. I do not know how Mom deals with her scars, especially since she had it worse than me, but somehow she manages, she may be my mother but I am proud of that woman. At least I can be proud of one parent, the other, Zachery, my so-called father, he's still trying to hunt me, I don't know what his problem is. Didn't he learn I'm not the woman to fuck with last time he found me? When I survived being shot by him and stood back up despite the pain, didn't he realize then that he'll never break me? Apparently not, but if he keeps hunting me I will have no choice but to remove that threat to my well being from existence. After six years you would think he'd have given up, but, well, maybe he's just too stupid to realize that, no matter what he thinks, being of his blood does not make me his property, I am no god damned object to be controlled, no submissive women nor scared little girl like he wanted me to be. No, I'm ten times what he could ever be, all the times he called me useless, told me I was never going to be worth a shit, I haven't forgotten, and every accomplishment in my life proves him wrong time and time again.

No, I must control my anger, becoming irate at the memories will serve no purpose, he's not here right now, he doesn't deserve to hold my thoughts right now. Just what else do I have to think about right now though? My next street race? Heh, it'll be just like the others, fun, always fun, but same routine, even that is beginning to lose it's challenge for me, even as a biker among a bunch of supped up cars, when I can outmaneuver just about any car in the race it doesn't hold much challenge, just a thrill and a way of winning extra money to make survival just a little easier. And the guys at the races, so annoying. They think those pretty little toys impress me? Yea, they're nice cars, but the drivers behind them are shallow and nothing but horny walkin' dicks! Sorry but I'm a woman, not a girl who'll be impressed by a nice paint job and sound system, half those girls the other racers impress don't even know the difference between a drive shaft and a piston rod. But eh, I normally only have to deck one of those little pretty boys to get them to back the hell off, besides, not like any of those boys would be able to offer me anything anyways.

I have begun to wonder if anyone is out there who would be able to actually meet my standards for a relationship, but maybe my appearance and lifestyle is why I can't find anyone. I'm not as dumb as I look nor as shallow as the other racers, I look like some rocker punk who can throw someone, and while, yes, I am quite capable of holding my own in a fight and then some, that's not all there is to me, just all most see. Maybe it's my own damned fault, likely is in truth, but it seems no one looks beyond the shell I use to protect myself. They miss the fact that I am rather intelligent and that I have skills beyond just racing, mechanics and fighting, it's like my knowledge and skills are overlooked but I don't understand why. Then again look at the company I keep, not a single one of them would be able to keep up with a conversation regarding 3D modeling and rendering, none of them know what a boolean is, most barely know what a polygon is, it's all just pretty graphics to them, none of them can keep up with me on a mental and intellectual level and I know it. Lets not even get started on how prone I am to offending people, though I don't even get why some things I say are so offensive to them, well, I know why, I am well aware of my situation, of my unique nature, all due to being a savant, being unable to understand people around me even if I can read them like a book. Being so different is lonely, being such a mixture of things I cannot find one person who can understand me, keep up with me in conversation, understand and not get offended by my sense of humor, and then, to add to that, accept being with a woman as independent and physically able as I am, honestly I can even be a bit dominant, I know it but it's how I am, the 'men' today mostly seem to be too much of boys to deal with a woman who can stand with them on equal ground both intellectually and physically. I can stand ahead of someone or besides them, never behind. Then again, I suppose that is why my past attempts at a relationship failed, but I won't change, I can't, it's who and how I am, it's a take it or leave it situation.

I'm at a crossroads in my life now, I don't know what's ahead or where my path will take me, guess I just need to keep on my toes, but then again it's always like that. I just hope I get a change of pace soon, I'm getting tired of living my life like this, barely scrapping by, no real friends anymore since not many can stay close to me due to my past which keeps coming back to try to bite me and then some, just, it is too much of a risk, maybe it's better this way though, at least if I am alone no one else can get hurt because of being near me at the wrong time. Listen to me, I sound like some depressive emo bitch, fuck that. I've made it through worse I can make it through this and then some, I ain't dead yet and as long as I draw breath I'm going to sure as hell live my life, damn anyone who tries to endanger that.

Victoria Marcus
Date: August 5th 2020
Location: Somewhere's between Santa Barbara and Lompoc